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No one actively chooses a partner they think will make them miserable. We all begin relationships hoping for a happy life together. If you are currently experiencing conflict in your most important relationships there could be some basic explanations:
People enter relationships for a variety of reasons and essentially form a contract between each other that is both overt and covert, conscious and unconscious. Life experiences and individual growth over time shifts the expectations, needs and desires of both members but rarely is the contract openly renegotiated. Often an event is seen as the impetus for one or both members to want the contract dissolved or renegotiated. Couples therapy is the process of understanding the terms of the original contract and the renegotiation of terms suitable and appropriate to the individuals, as they are in their lives today. In some cases the appropriate action will be to respectfully dissolve the contract while retaining a relationship because of ongoing commitment to areas such as children, business or family etc. People enter into relationships from the filter of their own historical experiences of past experiences. These histories not only influence WHO we find attractive, but WHAT dynamics we may still have as unfinished emotions from our past. These dynamics may be unconsciously projected on to the current relationship, and likewise, our partner is acting out his or her own history. Conflict arises when unconscious acting out in the form of behavior is confusing or disruptive to the current relationship. Relationship therapy deconstructs behavior in order to understand its motivations on behalf of each partner clarifying what is appropriate and relevant to the relationship in the here and now. Relationships are constructed similarly like the foundation of a house. The aesthetics and functionality of the house are dependent on a number of factors including the quality of material used (as is the individual strength of each partner) the quality of the workmanship, (history of what each partner brings to the relationship), and the environmental factors that test the structure (kids, family, finances). Relationship therapy assesses structural repairs or in some cases, isolates environmental factors that may be impinging on the structure to resolve them.
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Copyright © 2003
Mary Weber-Young Ph.D.
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